My Boyfriend is my Number 1 fan

No one can doubt my boyfriend's persistence to pursue my dream.

Do you know how many times Lawrence bugs me to write? He bugs me constantly. He believes that I am a great writer. This is even when he read a silly little poem I made when i was in highschool.

Ever since I resigned from my job at the bank, all he would tell me is to write. And everytime that I am in the process of writing, he would rejoice. When he asks me what I will do for the day and learns that I will try to write, his replies are more than ecstatic.

News is, I have been stalling.

All my life, I have been stalling. The reason I give to most, regarding me not pursuing writing, is that 'I am afraid to fail'. And when I broke free from my corporate life, I said I will start pursuing this dream. It's been months and no writing has been done.

Now, I don't know why I am stalling. It's finally here. I have the time. I have the ideas. I have the new notebooks, pens and photos. I tried writing. Visiting some of my blogs, reading on current writing trends, sucking all information that could be useful. But when I try to start writing, I end up staring at the blank space in my blog editor. In the end, I get tired and start tweaking with my blog settings and then calling the day productive.

The thing is, I have decided to face the fear of failure. Somehow I now know I can still live and earn money even if I fail as a writer. I've come to terms with that (I'm not really sure about this statement, but hey, it feels right). So why am I stalling?

It dawned on me that I was afraid of failing Lawrence.

I'm afraid that whatever crap I spew out of my mind would be exactly what it is, crap. And I'm afraid that his belief in me would be all for nothing.

This is another fear I have to conquer.

Well, here goes.

Rollercoaster

I have been moody since early morning today. Before having breakfast with my HK teammates, I was a little sad. Then I was happy when we had breakfast. When we went to work I was okay until the Celtics lost to the Lakers. I forgot the other reason for my rowdy behavior.

I was a little off today. When night came (with a little date with Lawrence), I thought it would change. However, this bitch was ogling at Lawrence the whole time we were having a meal. (Side note: To the bitch, back off--he's mine! and I mean it.) Then I was bored then I was jumpy, sleepy, horny and tired.

The best thing is that for now, I just feel in love. Lawrence has gone home now. He's probably on a bus trying his best not to fall asleep (because he knows that I hate it when he does that). And me, I'm in my bed still feeling his last kiss on my lips.

Is there a term for when you have so much love for the person it scares, excites and confuses you all at the same time?

I'm scared because I've never loved a person like this--not even my family. I'm excited because I know this feeling is just the beginning and it just keeps getting better and better as evident in the last five years of our relationship. It confuses me because I don't really know how to handle this--I might get pushy or clingy or unlovable in the end.

There's no point to this entry at all. I just have to write this because I do not want to lose this memory (this feeling? maybe). Maybe one day I'll read this entry and know the answer to my own question. For now, I'm enjoying the end of this rollercoaster ride.

Happiness is not that bad

Today, I felt blessed.

People always say that happiness is a choice. I have been denying this for the longest time ever since I met depression in Grade six. For the longest time, I always denied that I am blessed. When people see blessings, I see flaws. When people look for happy endings, I crave for miserable ones.

Depression, sadness, morbidity and death has been my comfort zone for a long time. Evident in my writing pieces, I can write gruesome deaths and much-more ghastly heart breaks. My family and friends can attest to the amount of negativity my mouth spews per day--whether it be a form of a complain, a joke or a story.

I have never been good at accepting blessings. I'm too afraid to recognize it because I know one way or another it will escape me. So I stick to my bad endings and my negativity; because I know these are constant and I will never be disappointed.

Today was different. Today, I was out with my family and Lawrence celebrating my dad's birthday and my parents' wedding anniversary. Today, I felt happiness. And even though there are some disappointments (e.i., no family spa treatments, Law went home early, etc.) I still felt happy.

Usually I battle happiness with negative thoughts and sudden bursts of temper--but today, I didn't. I simply enjoyed the moment and felt contented.

Today I write (which I don't usually do much these days) because I want to capture this moment--this feeling. Hopefully when time comes that depression comes knocking in my door again, I would only have to read this and ignite one of the fondest memories I've ever had (in the longest time).

:)

Breathe in for luck.
Breathe in so deep.
This air is blessed, you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull.
These hearts, they race, from self-control.
Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine.
We're doing fine.
We're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

The words are hushed, "let's not get busted."
Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"Hey did you get some?"
Man that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close, they can't hear.
So we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me?
So I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry.
Whichever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.
Always remember the sound of the stereo.
The dim of the soft lights.
The scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.
And the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!"
And this walk that we share together.
The streets were wet, and the gate was locked,
So I jumped it, and let you in.
And you stood at the door, with your hands on my waist.
And you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew...that you meant it.

I promise to remember

The kiss mark on my breast is now fading.

Do you remember when you planted that kiss? I remember. It was your first. And oh how I remember the look on your face when you saw this accomplishment. You had the same look when you were able to defeat the Azuma in Street Fighter 4.

Do you remember that day? We were out on a date and you beg me to let you play the game. I stood elbow to elbow with some geek, waiting for you to finish your game. Beads of sweat were on your head--which is ironic since where in an airconditioned mall. Your eyes locked on a big flat screen as you concentrate as if your life depended on winning. And as the screen flashed declaring you the winner, you look at me with a grin so wide that made my standing awkwardly waiting for you worthwhile. That was how you looked when you gave me the kiss mark.

They say that a kiss mark lasts for four to five days. After that your skin returns to its normal color. After four to five days, there would be no more secrets to conceal--dare I may say--no more shame to hide.

It's such a waste that a proof of love has to be hidden behind a bra, covered up with a shirt (on rainy days, protected by a jacket). My mom would freak if she ever sees this. People don't understand that when an act of love is made, it should be shared with the world. People frown at public displays of affection, the used up condom in the trash or the hickey you sport on your neck. To others, these are unacceptable. To others, these are disgusting.

Oh how I wish I could walk around asking everyone to take a peek at the kiss mark on my breast. How I wish I could explain to them how you have tried giving me a kiss mark for several years and this little one is the first you succeeded. How I wish I could brag about how at the moment you gave me this, I felt your love.

It's funny how you always remember things when it's for the first time.

The kiss mark is fading. But I promise, I'll always remember.

Marriage shit

Today, I resolve my obsession to marry.

I should'nt be too much in a hurry to marry. Insecurity has haunted me since I first realize that life in my highschool sucks. So I have been wondering how come I have boyfriends when I can't hold a candle to the any girl sitting next to me.

So, ever since I nailed the greatest guy I could ever love, I have been droning into my idea of marrying my dream-come-true boyfriend. Especially today, we were watching some game show about newlyweds. The newlyweds were being asked something about their partner. So I played the game with Lawrence.

It was so funny how Lawrence knows me inside out. I have questions and he was able to answer correctly. After that, I realize why should I obsess about marriage when I am assured that the love of my life will never leave me.

So today, I am not to obsess about getting married.

I am however, going to obsess about the Love of my Life, Lawrence.