The Afterlife

Today at lunch I was trying my best not to think about Math. As I have blogged before, I currently work for a bank--which is ironic since I don't know what to do.

Every lunch hour, I sit with my friends (from different teams--not sure why we don't go with our teammates) and discuss everyday topics. For that one hour, I get to stop memorizing numbers, codes, functions, banking groups and other accounting-related topics. I cherish this hour because at last I won't feel like I'm a fish out of water.

However today at lunch, upon meeting a new guy (BA major graduate), Math was all that was talked about. Consider this, I am having lunch with three guys all of them graduating from a Math-related course. One was Business Administration, the other was Economics and another was Accounting graduates.

Again, a fish out of water.

So I talked to them and told them not to discuss Math. This is the only hour we get away from numbers, don't we want to discuss something else?

I really didn't know how it happen but while I was in the middle Beef Steak meal, we were debating whether there was an afterlife or not. My friend strongly believes in Heaven and Hell. His main thesis is that if there's no Heaven or Hell, then what is the purpose of doing good on Earth. Also, there's this part about the soul. That if there's no Heaven, how do you suppose will our souls carry on after death.

Personally, I am torn between believing that there's no afterlife and that there's one just not Heaven or Hell but Reincarnation.

This is what I said to my friend.

To answer his first concern, what exactly does he mean by purpose of doing good? By what standards does he mean when he "has done good"? If it's by his own standards, meaning nobody have pointed out that this is good or that is bad--well then good for him. But humans are such a social animal that will want to thrust their standards as the "correct"or "right" standard. So technically, no one is really doing a good thing. Because what may be a "good thing" for me may be a "bad thing" for others. Does that mean that we're all going to Hell?

I say, we would only hope for a Heaven so that this fear of the unknown--the fear of knowing that there's nothing else after all the suffering, heartache, muscle cramps, disappoints, sadness--will be negated and we'd feel that everything we're doing is adding up to something great in the end. This reason is the reason why I think most of us are not enjoying life at the present. We're somehow saving it for something big in the end. What if there's none? So we cling to the idea of a Heaven when we die.

But couldn't we just have Heaven while we're living?

After the debate, we agreed to disagree and checked our watches. We were a little over the lunch hour that we were suppose to take. So we begrudgingly got up and returned to the pile of work that was waiting for us. I actually felt that my body was more stressed because of the debate.

Well, at least we didn't consume the hour talking about Math.

New world

I am stuck.

For years I have tried my best to avoid anything Math-related. I didn't take Math in my College days fearing that I would fail even the easiest General Education subject (Math 2: Practical Mathemathics). We used to joke that since both my dad and mom are Engineers, they are brilliant in Math. They fruits of their love (me and my sister) unfortunately was not blessed with this skill because my mom's brilliance and my dad's greatness in Math cancel each other out.

It's ironic that I now hold a job that focuses in Math.

For those of you who I don't meet in my everyday life, I am now employed as a Data Processor in a bank. I deal with numbers and codes and everything that I have been dreading ever since I learned that I have to memorize the multiplication table.

A classic remark was made by my sister last night when she saw the SOP Manuals that I was studying (for an exam the next day). She said, "Ate ito ba yung inaaral mo? E di ba ayaw mo ng Math? Bakit mo kinuha yung trabaho?". I laughed in response to that question.

I only delve into the answer when I saw my exam this morning. I have memorized every banking group and codes and functions and processes; but when I was asked, I completely forgot.

My friend (officemate) told me that maybe I was just nervous or maybe I was just stressing that's why I forgot. If only I could say, "No, I'm not stressing. It's just that I feel like I don't belong in this dimension. Memorizing formulas and functions and payment methods are not my forte--writing is". However, I can't say that. Especially since I am on a contractual basis and needs to be good-on-paper to be regularized (working for a company that takes care of the employees).

I keep telling myself that it's such a good thing that I am on a contractual basis because atleast I could scope the job out first. I may not know it but maybe this is what I should be (I had a dream that I would be working for THIS particular TEAM=sort of a premonition which I will write about in another entry). I still haven't FULLY decided if I want to be a writer or a journalist or a manager or a housewife or anything really.

So now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck with scenario which demands me to cope and adjust. I often throw myself in this situations (I'm not sure if it's because something new and different just turns me on or if it's because I want to learn and grow) ranting about this and that. But come next week, I will be singing to a different tune. Or maybe this situation was simply given to me to prove that I should always listen to my Mother. She always said that I should learn Math because eventually, I'm going to need it.

She's right.