My Boyfriend is my Number 1 fan

No one can doubt my boyfriend's persistence to pursue my dream.

Do you know how many times Lawrence bugs me to write? He bugs me constantly. He believes that I am a great writer. This is even when he read a silly little poem I made when i was in highschool.

Ever since I resigned from my job at the bank, all he would tell me is to write. And everytime that I am in the process of writing, he would rejoice. When he asks me what I will do for the day and learns that I will try to write, his replies are more than ecstatic.

News is, I have been stalling.

All my life, I have been stalling. The reason I give to most, regarding me not pursuing writing, is that 'I am afraid to fail'. And when I broke free from my corporate life, I said I will start pursuing this dream. It's been months and no writing has been done.

Now, I don't know why I am stalling. It's finally here. I have the time. I have the ideas. I have the new notebooks, pens and photos. I tried writing. Visiting some of my blogs, reading on current writing trends, sucking all information that could be useful. But when I try to start writing, I end up staring at the blank space in my blog editor. In the end, I get tired and start tweaking with my blog settings and then calling the day productive.

The thing is, I have decided to face the fear of failure. Somehow I now know I can still live and earn money even if I fail as a writer. I've come to terms with that (I'm not really sure about this statement, but hey, it feels right). So why am I stalling?

It dawned on me that I was afraid of failing Lawrence.

I'm afraid that whatever crap I spew out of my mind would be exactly what it is, crap. And I'm afraid that his belief in me would be all for nothing.

This is another fear I have to conquer.

Well, here goes.

Writing

Last Friday night, Lawrence identified me as miserable.

And for the longest time, I didn't think I was. I mean, I was always stressful and of course some factors (like woman-related happenings) caused my mental state of miserable but I never thought I WAS MISERABLE.

He says it's because I'm not doing what I like.

Currently, I'm in the Accounts Payable line of business. This has something to do with Math and Accounting. This is ironic because I have evaded Math for as long as I can remember. (I have a theory regarding life's ironies, but I'll just blog about it some other time.)

It's been a while since I've written anything. I used to write all the time. And I mean ALL THE TIME. My attention's been called by my many, many, many annoyed teacher when I was writing essays while the class was going on. I use to just sit and then start writing my thoughts down--whether it be on my cellphone or on the back of a food receipt.

When I started working, I don't seem to have the time anymore. I used to wish that there could be a device which records my thoughts so that when I feel like writing, I don't actually have to write--I just think. And then words will immediately be recorded--which I can edit later on my laptop.

I miss writing because I miss making stories. I miss making fun of people or situations in a very subtle and unnoticed kind of way. I miss pouring my thoughts out without anyone contradicting me right in my face (unless the reader would actually come up to me and contradict what I wrote--which doesn't happen because I'm unpublished). I miss the sound of the excited tapping of the keyboard keys whenever I have something to say. And I miss the fact that my writing needs to keep up with my thoughts as they completely zoom in and zoom out on different stories, essays and other writing materials.

I have yet to write about the interesting ideas I have collected throughout my college years. I have yet to write about my opinions on the different places, food, cultures and experiences I have had for the past three years. I have yet to write about my thoughts on my current friendships, past and my hopes for the future.

Maybe Lawrence was right. Maybe I'm miserable. Because I just realize, I haven't been doing something that makes sense--makes me complete. For years, I have written everything down. Even the ugliest and worst essay I have ever read. Now, I write nothing.

This is just so sad.

New world

I am stuck.

For years I have tried my best to avoid anything Math-related. I didn't take Math in my College days fearing that I would fail even the easiest General Education subject (Math 2: Practical Mathemathics). We used to joke that since both my dad and mom are Engineers, they are brilliant in Math. They fruits of their love (me and my sister) unfortunately was not blessed with this skill because my mom's brilliance and my dad's greatness in Math cancel each other out.

It's ironic that I now hold a job that focuses in Math.

For those of you who I don't meet in my everyday life, I am now employed as a Data Processor in a bank. I deal with numbers and codes and everything that I have been dreading ever since I learned that I have to memorize the multiplication table.

A classic remark was made by my sister last night when she saw the SOP Manuals that I was studying (for an exam the next day). She said, "Ate ito ba yung inaaral mo? E di ba ayaw mo ng Math? Bakit mo kinuha yung trabaho?". I laughed in response to that question.

I only delve into the answer when I saw my exam this morning. I have memorized every banking group and codes and functions and processes; but when I was asked, I completely forgot.

My friend (officemate) told me that maybe I was just nervous or maybe I was just stressing that's why I forgot. If only I could say, "No, I'm not stressing. It's just that I feel like I don't belong in this dimension. Memorizing formulas and functions and payment methods are not my forte--writing is". However, I can't say that. Especially since I am on a contractual basis and needs to be good-on-paper to be regularized (working for a company that takes care of the employees).

I keep telling myself that it's such a good thing that I am on a contractual basis because atleast I could scope the job out first. I may not know it but maybe this is what I should be (I had a dream that I would be working for THIS particular TEAM=sort of a premonition which I will write about in another entry). I still haven't FULLY decided if I want to be a writer or a journalist or a manager or a housewife or anything really.

So now, I'm stuck. I'm stuck with scenario which demands me to cope and adjust. I often throw myself in this situations (I'm not sure if it's because something new and different just turns me on or if it's because I want to learn and grow) ranting about this and that. But come next week, I will be singing to a different tune. Or maybe this situation was simply given to me to prove that I should always listen to my Mother. She always said that I should learn Math because eventually, I'm going to need it.

She's right.

permission to shine shot down

I just blogged last Sunday how I would turn my life around by completely imitating my real-life Dagny Taggart. I was suppose to give more than a hundred percent in my work. I have been prepping myself to shine this week.

However, reality sets in that before a diamond could shine, it should be scrubbed, chipped and cut.

Today, I got my scrubbing.

Earlier, I was called into my boss' office for the mistake of sending an email to a client. I was completely surprised since before I sent the email I made sure of what I'm going to do and checked with my boss. I'm not sure if I misunderstood him or he misunderstood me but now since I'm getting the scolding, I am to be blamed.

It sucks that I have to be the one blamed for the whole mishap. I guess they're forgetting that I would send such a delicate and sensitive information to anyone with their blessing. I am not stupid enough to trek my own way when I know it's going to bite me in the ass.

When I told my boss that he instructed me to send the email--he denied it and continued lecturing me. He says he must've misunderstood what I consulted to him.

But now, it comes to mind that when we were waiting for a client on last Friday, I confirmed that I have emailed the contact information. He goes on saying that I have to make sure everything is in order... blahblahblah.

In the end, since I'm not an officer, I can't defend myself. I just hope I get over this fast so I could concentrate more on the shining part.