No one can doubt my boyfriend's persistence to pursue my dream.
Do you know how many times Lawrence bugs me to write? He bugs me constantly. He believes that I am a great writer. This is even when he read a silly little poem I made when i was in highschool.
Ever since I resigned from my job at the bank, all he would tell me is to write. And everytime that I am in the process of writing, he would rejoice. When he asks me what I will do for the day and learns that I will try to write, his replies are more than ecstatic.
News is, I have been stalling.
All my life, I have been stalling. The reason I give to most, regarding me not pursuing writing, is that 'I am afraid to fail'. And when I broke free from my corporate life, I said I will start pursuing this dream. It's been months and no writing has been done.
Now, I don't know why I am stalling. It's finally here. I have the time. I have the ideas. I have the new notebooks, pens and photos. I tried writing. Visiting some of my blogs, reading on current writing trends, sucking all information that could be useful. But when I try to start writing, I end up staring at the blank space in my blog editor. In the end, I get tired and start tweaking with my blog settings and then calling the day productive.
The thing is, I have decided to face the fear of failure. Somehow I now know I can still live and earn money even if I fail as a writer. I've come to terms with that (I'm not really sure about this statement, but hey, it feels right). So why am I stalling?
It dawned on me that I was afraid of failing Lawrence.
I'm afraid that whatever crap I spew out of my mind would be exactly what it is, crap. And I'm afraid that his belief in me would be all for nothing.
People always say that happiness is a choice. I have been denying this for the longest time ever since I met depression in Grade six. For the longest time, I always denied that I am blessed. When people see blessings, I see flaws. When people look for happy endings, I crave for miserable ones.
Depression, sadness, morbidity and death has been my comfort zone for a long time. Evident in my writing pieces, I can write gruesome deaths and much-more ghastly heart breaks. My family and friends can attest to the amount of negativity my mouth spews per day--whether it be a form of a complain, a joke or a story.
I have never been good at accepting blessings. I'm too afraid to recognize it because I know one way or another it will escape me. So I stick to my bad endings and my negativity; because I know these are constant and I will never be disappointed.
Today was different. Today, I was out with my family and Lawrence celebrating my dad's birthday and my parents' wedding anniversary. Today, I felt happiness. And even though there are some disappointments (e.i., no family spa treatments, Law went home early, etc.) I still felt happy.
Usually I battle happiness with negative thoughts and sudden bursts of temper--but today, I didn't. I simply enjoyed the moment and felt contented.
Today I write (which I don't usually do much these days) because I want to capture this moment--this feeling. Hopefully when time comes that depression comes knocking in my door again, I would only have to read this and ignite one of the fondest memories I've ever had (in the longest time).
Last Friday night, Lawrence identified me as miserable.
And for the longest time, I didn't think I was. I mean, I was always stressful and of course some factors (like woman-related happenings) caused my mental state of miserable but I never thought I WAS MISERABLE.
He says it's because I'm not doing what I like.
Currently, I'm in the Accounts Payable line of business. This has something to do with Math and Accounting. This is ironic because I have evaded Math for as long as I can remember. (I have a theory regarding life's ironies, but I'll just blog about it some other time.)
It's been a while since I've written anything. I used to write all the time. And I mean ALL THE TIME. My attention's been called by my many, many, many annoyed teacher when I was writing essays while the class was going on. I use to just sit and then start writing my thoughts down--whether it be on my cellphone or on the back of a food receipt.
When I started working, I don't seem to have the time anymore. I used to wish that there could be a device which records my thoughts so that when I feel like writing, I don't actually have to write--I just think. And then words will immediately be recorded--which I can edit later on my laptop.
I miss writing because I miss making stories. I miss making fun of people or situations in a very subtle and unnoticed kind of way. I miss pouring my thoughts out without anyone contradicting me right in my face (unless the reader would actually come up to me and contradict what I wrote--which doesn't happen because I'm unpublished). I miss the sound of the excited tapping of the keyboard keys whenever I have something to say. And I miss the fact that my writing needs to keep up with my thoughts as they completely zoom in and zoom out on different stories, essays and other writing materials.
I have yet to write about the interesting ideas I have collected throughout my college years. I have yet to write about my opinions on the different places, food, cultures and experiences I have had for the past three years. I have yet to write about my thoughts on my current friendships, past and my hopes for the future.
Maybe Lawrence was right. Maybe I'm miserable. Because I just realize, I haven't been doing something that makes sense--makes me complete. For years, I have written everything down. Even the ugliest and worst essay I have ever read. Now, I write nothing.
I often ask myself what I want in life. In the end, I end up being more confused than I was when I first asking it.
Truth is, I'm indecisive.
Currently, I'm working for a multinational bank doing far fetched tasks. Tasks I didn't fathom that I could do. Salary is great. I'm a workaholic so extra work is fine with me. But I still find something missing.
Give it a second. Maybe later I'll decide that this is nothing.
Anybody who knows me, knows that I am obsessed with getting married. Maybe it's my love for Julia Roberts' Runaway Bride and My Best Friend's Wedding but I have planned my wedding since I was in 4th year highschool.
Which is ironic since I proclaim myself as not the type to get gushy with all the chummy romantic stuff couples do.
I've been with my boyfriend, Lawrence, since I was in first year college. I am very jealous and untrusting girlfriend. And for him to still be with me for more than four years makes me dream of weddings.
It also makes me an irritating nag.
See, since I am obsessed with making my wedding perfect, I have been bugging Lawrence to propose. Yes, I am bugging him to PROPOSE. See how irritating I've been? Every conversation has been about, when are we getting married? When will you propose? How come you don't talk about weddings with me? It goes on and on.
Yesterday was no different. I was nagging all the way back home. Thing is, I finally saw Lawrence's reaction to that. And I felt that he was slipping away from me.
So, today I will look positively into the future. I will keep my obsession tucked away in my mind until the right time comes--which is our actually wedding. I should find other things to occupy my mind. Which is why I'm making a list.
Things I need to do before I get married
1. Get drunk at a party with friends. 2. Climb more mountains. 3. Finish reading One Hundred Years of Solitude (seriously). 4. Go to a strip club. 5. Vacation in Palawan and Bohol. 6. Return to Bangkok, Thailand. 7. Compose a song. 8. Start my scrapbook (I have been putting this on my lists since time in memorial, I have never done it. >.<) 9. Sing karaoke in front of many people without worrying about shame. 10. Lose weight (I have to look good in my dress right?). 11. Master the art of cooking (Kare-kare, Dinuguan, Embotido).
That's all for now. I'm guessing I'll have more than three years until I get married, so if any of you have any suggestions, please comment. I would be taking it into consideration.
Paulo Coelho said in the Alchemist that "when you want something, the universe conspires for you to have it." It might take some time before you get it; but if you really keep it in your heart, whatever the obstacles that come your way may be, you will have it. This is something that I would like to believe.
When I was a young girl, I wanted to be a lot of things. I wanted to be a maid, a singer, an astronaut, a scientist, a lawyer and a writer. As I grew up I gave up on my dream becoming a maid, astronaut and scientist. I felt that those are the dreams that I really can't fulfill. My love for thpse professions are merely driven by curiosity, temptation and ignorance. By the time I was in Grade 5, I have set my sights on being one of the three remaining dream professions.
Shattered
The summer of my elementary graduation, my Dad encouraged us to take up some summer classes. Immediately I declared tgat I would be taking up voice lessons. So that summer I was enrolled in one of the prestigious, if not then the most popular voice and dance centers in Manila.
I never missed a class that summer. You see, I love to sing. Ever since I can remember, I sing for hours and hours. Our old car before didn't have any radio; so whenever we drive somewhere, I sing non-stop to entertain my family. I sing at home, in the bath, on family reunions, in school... basically everywhere. My Mom used to tease me that I was there long-playing tape.
But I guess that wasn't meant to be. After those voice lessons, I never sang wholeheartedly again. I stopped singing in reunions, even while in the shower. I don't know if it was the failed 'you-must-imitate-other-succesful-singers-before-forging-your-own-style' method that the center training that made me stop or just puberty taking hold of my voice. Now, I only try to sing when I'm completely comfortable. But even in Karaokes, I try my best not to sing. If I do, I goof around with the song or I just sing along with somebody with a good voice.
Faded
By that time I was also working for my Dad as his secretary. He was the one who told me that I hould be a lawyer. One time, I argued that I should be paid my month's salary because I was able to do the work albeit it was at the last minute. I simply argued that he didn't say that we were going to be paid by the hour or by the day. So if there are days we don't do our work, there shouldn't be any deductions just as long as come deadline, we present our finished work.
Another incident would be whenever I complain about him not giving me my allowance if our classes were cancelled. I'd say that there was no verbal nor written agreement that if our classes were cancelled due to storms, that the amount of allowance money for that day will be deducted from the total week's allowance. After that, he gave us our allowances complete for the whole week whether or not we go to school.
I still want to go to Law school and be a lawyer. But our resources wouldn't be able to make it. We have to admit it, Law school costs a lot. Even if I get to a cheap school, I would still have to finance my readings, books and daily expenses. My sister is still studying college and there are still lots of bills to pay. So for now, I am trying to save up for me to be able to pay for my own expenses when I get to Law School. Somehow, the completion of that dream is not over yet.
Disenchanted
As for the writing, I have loved reading and writing (I believe these go hand in hand together) ever since my Mom taught me Abakada. I have been writing poems, stories, essays for years. I wanted to be a journalist and express myself to a wide audience.
When I was in highschool, I tried out for the school newspaper. In my first year,I submitted all my poems and other literary works for the newspaper. The first time I tried to be a staff member was when I was in my second year. I was shut down. In my third year, I was rejected again. By fourth year, I was reluctant to join. But my Journalism club adviser encouraged me, after series of tests and interviews, I finally made it.
During that my Seton Notes days, I was simply in heaven. I felt that I was in my element. Even though there were lots of things that went wrong that year, in the end it was my happiest highschool year. Not only did I finally get to write for our school newspaper, I was awarded the Most
By college, I enrolled into a Creative Writing course, after which I continued it to learning more about Journalism. I would be rubbing elbows with famous writers and having them teach me some of their techniques. I was with intelligent and creative peers who completely surprise me with their masterpieces.
But somehow, the energy I had when I was still in high school slowly died out. I was disenchanted with how I saw Journalism and writing. Politics, somehow, ruined my perception on expressing one’s self. I saw, first hand, how journalists manipulate the facts to protect their benefactors; or how big time newspaper publishers give newspaper spaces to people with connections. Not only those, journalists who live true to their name and calling are murdered without any mercy.
But I still want to write. I still dream of publishing a book or having an article in a newspaper. I still have lots of ideas to share and numerous stories to tell.
Hopeful
This is why I created this little paradise for me. I wish to still be able to write and communicate with you. Even if I am now working as an assistant in our company’s Recruitment Department, I would still like to keep my “writer” dream alive.
So bear with me dear readers, I plan to make Coelho’s words come true. That even if I’m in a completely different field, even if I have so many obstacles to conquer, I will not let this dream go. It’s simply because unlike the other dreams, this particular one—me being a writer—is the one that makes me the happiest.
I suppose it's customary for anybody to introduce themselves when meeting new people. But this is exactly what this blog is about. This is me introducing myself to you, you and you.
For now, let's get down to the basics.
I am Lo. I write and create stories. It's nice to meet you.
I solemnly promise to update this blog about my thoughts, travels, trivia, opinions and stories. I promise that I will be introducing myself to you in the utmost of my abilities. That somehow, someday when we meet, it's like you've known me all along.
No one can doubt my boyfriend's persistence to pursue my dream.